For the Sake of Staying

Today I got news that my confidante/mentor is leaving our work. He’s the third person to leave since the new year but the first one that woke me up.

My best friend from senior year of college left (in my eyes) ignorantly marry his girlfriend of one year and hopefully start a life together while following his call to be a basketball coach and minister to boys in his own way. Boy did I think he was dumb; “stick to your word, finish the internship, be. Man f integrity and dignity” I thought. How could you make it this far and not just finish it out for the sake of sticking to your contract, your promise, your word? I was furious at the time, but I also felt this deep resonance of understanding, go pursue your dreams, as crazy as they may be and even if I don’t agree, I support you, and love you (be cool tho).

My program director left next to go to another ministry, the one at her church. She didn’t start out as my favorite but throughout my span working with her, she consistently put something in my heart every time we had a meeting or talked that made me intimidated and firm around her. She totally mentally got in my head but only looked at my heart and I didn’t see it until our last meeting. She loved me to the core and could pull things out of me I didn’t even know I was hiding. She left one ministry for another, and so close to summer I thought she was crazy! ” You could at least wait until after summer!” But she knew her time was up and she was following her heart, a ministry that allows her to build relationships and connect with adults, supporting them the way she did me. And as she left, she made points to let me know she cared for me and that our relationship was not over, as if to say she knew we would cross again.

Then there were 2.

But let me say, the first one, my mentor and friend, has been trying to leave since before we became “mented.” And she said profound things to me as she struggled with should I go now or should I go later? Though she’s still here, her heart is elsewhere and I can tell, I can feel it. In the fall as she was disclosing her feelings she said,” I know its time for me to go because I am not IN hat I’m doing I’m simply going through the motions and that’s not good for anyone. I am not a motions kinda girl.” WOW! I’ve never thought of the work I am doing being bad as long as I am sticking to my word and getting it done. But she was right, doing mediocre things is no good for anyone. Yet she stayed, not saying she does mediocre work, but because her passion was in relationships that she built through communicating to our consumer base. And she has been working on many other projects while stacking her paper and preparing for her next step, because her time is coming.

So when I heard the announcement today abut my pal and confidante, I was in UBER SHOCK! The same man who hired me to start my journey out here, the one I confided in with some deeep secrets, the one who gets me on a level only fellow “seminerds” do, and yeah, maybe the one who I initially thought I was gonna marry (until I met his fiance and realized I wanted to marry her instead). He’s leaving to work in another company but also ministry field that he will most likely pursue his heart for refugees and foreigners, the way he emotionally pursued me. He’s also leaving in a crucial time for our company, which for me, utterly sucks. Right before summer camp, the literal epitome of chaos ( organized is optional) and he’s just leaving. WT-absolute-F bruh!?!?!? However, I know his heart. He’s not leaving on a bad note or with any burned bridges ( out loud or visible at least because we’re Christian), he’s going to do what’s best for him and his perfect ( understanding and equally beautiful) wife and their future.

Yes, the 3 evacuees are leaving at the most inopportune times, but they are following their hearts which are led and surrendered to God. They allowing someone else to benefit and grow they way they had. They are moving aside to let the next bunch have their journey the way God intended. They are doing what’s best for them.

This is a foreign concept for me. Things have, majorally in my life, been out of necessity, stake of losing/keeping, or by force. Actions according to personal necessity is not something I knew to be acceptable. Honestly, I’ve always viewed it as selfish and frowned upon. “LOOK AT WHAT YOUR LEAVING BEHIND!? THINK ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE YOUR LEAVING BEHIND?! HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH.” but if not in your own life regarding your own future, when are we allowed to be selfish? Not even selfish, when are we allowed to take care of our selves, even if that means something or someone else might have it a little tougher and might have to work a little harder?

Are you worth it? Is it wrong to consider yourself before others? Is it okay to say, ” I need to take care of and do me” (Like Buhnessa always says).
As I look at those who have left ME behind, I no longer resent or hold them responsible for my unhappiness or well-being. I now see they were/are teaching me that it is nto wrong and it IS okay to think of yourself and self-care before others.

If I’ve learned anything throughout this internship, I’ve learned
You cannot serve/minister RIGHT, PROPER, WELL if you have not first taken care of yourself taking care of/ looking out for your best interest is not selfish.
It is better to walk away than to not do your best work, or even GOOD work.
You’re “NO” is not bad it is just time for someone else to say yes.
When your people start leaving, take note, you need to bounce!

I kid, BFRT.

In all honesty, this year I resolved that I would learn what it means to be wholistically healthy in everything that makes up me, mind body spirit race everything. So far I’ve lost a LOT of my hair, had at least 3 breakdowns (its March), got 2 B’s on seminary classes, and restarted T25 2xs. So I’m doing well right?! HAHA!

This has been an interesting 3 months, by far the toughest 9 I think I’ve ever experienced. But in all of the pain, stretching, change, and discomfort, I have grown and will continue growing into a more sound and stable, secure and whole version of Carrington I never thought could be possible. I know how to take or me, I’m listening to the signs and acknowledging when my soul is saying “ENOUGH.” “WAIT!” “HELP!!!”

For the last few weeks my soul has been yelling and I know this now. I have not been paying attention because I knew if I listened, it would tell me it needs something that I’m scared to give it. My soul is not at peace. And subsequently, my life has been in chaos and I’m struggling to keep the pot from boiling over and spiling all the stew. But I can’t run anymore. I can’t hide from my emotions or heart. I can’t ignore myself anymore.
My time is up here. Its time to move forward. I can’t stay anymore.
Love,
A soul that yearns

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