Craving.

Intimacy, to me, is when someone is known. Known, not like the cheesy romance novels that say “Richard knew Alice, but tonight he knew her in a way he’d never known her before,” that sexual and it’s not intimacy. Alice and Richard are hooking up and now they actually like each other, but its not a intimacy in the way I believe it is meant.

I believe intimacy, PROPER INTIMACY, is that vulnerable point where you allow your TRUE SELF to be seen, and allow yourself to be cared for in whatever way is best for you. I think of intimacy as standing naked, in a way that your clothes, skin, and bones are stripped and only your soul, heart, and mind remain. You are no longer human being, you are an emotional being and you allow someone to see the REAL emotional being you are.

I like to cuddle, yet I’m never usually the held I’m the holder, I hold people a lot, and no lie y’all, I hold well. I’m meant to be a holder. I am good at holding others and sitting with them in their need for intimacy.

Cravings are what you get when you strongly desire something to fill a hole, sometimes its food cravings, sexual cravings, mental , relational, intellectual, clothing, advancement. Cravings are holes. Figuring out which hole needs to be filled is a different story.

I’m an intern and as you know, I’m growing and transitioning a ton. Craving Identification is a tool that I’ve only recently learned/ become aware of. Now healthily filling that hole has been the struggle.  I can identify all day now, I’m not hungry I’m sad- relational, My stomach is growling I want food and haven’t eaten- hungry, etc.  Now whether I eat the fruit or veggies that would fulfill me cravings is irrelevant, I can tell which craving is what.

Progress is self explanatory but underestimated until you are in the midst of it. I’ve been in progress for a few years now and I thought it was going well and I was evolving. I didn’t realize the TRUE progress came when my comfortability reached the negatives but there was no way out. Progress is truly bitter sweet.  It’s great, at he end. But during the process of change, release, acceptance, growth, and grief, you understand the absolute torture it is to be progressive.

So in this phase of life, when I am a work in progress, constantly becoming more, I crave things like proper intimacy; not sex, although sometimes it is disguised that way, but I crave the vulnerability of sharing my weaknesses with someone and simply being held in the midst of. I crave the end of progress and the beginning of familiarity and security.  I’m craving a home.

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