It is Thursday July 17, 2017. I am half way through the summer. I hit a wall so hard today that I’m pretty sure I’m concussed emotionally and mentally.
I’m not even sure it’s my job as Female Team Pastor/ Lead nor is it solely camp. I am running on fumes in many aspects but I’m not empty…[I don’t think].
Things that make me feel like I can crash any minute:
- AG/ (any boy that I am attracted too when I am not culturally done) is coming back to camp next week and I no longer look like the girl I was when he left. The girl I am now is pure, authentic, vulnerable, real but visibly flawed and week. The girl he’ll see now is the unhideable me that is scarred, unbeautifully gorgeous, insecure and need, girl with a small afro, blemished face, tired eyes, struggling heart, and falsely confident yet totally growing in confidence woman I am growing into.
- The nature of my current job being that the need for… BETTERNESS (for lack of better word) is so prevalent and I am only one person who cannot fix an entire community. Yet my job of caring, healing, growing, and serving the community is dependent on the company’s working ability and that happens to be the basis of the problem, I am a sinking hole. Which means my role is also sinking ( feels like) and I am running ragged/ not running enough ( feels like) because there is no much to attend to.
- Physically I am exhausted. I’m a hamster on a wheel, I keep trying to do more and more and more but I’m exhausted from everything else taxing on me that now I’m just pooped. But I can’t stop/recoop because there is so much in the rea world that actually needs me/my attention and efforts.
- We finally got a place and I have rent for month one but when month two rolls around I am scrambling for dear life and still coming u short. And I won’t even be living in it until weekends and really September, but won’t have an furniture…I won’t even have a bed. But soon, in exactly 2 weeks I’ll have a place to retreat, to lock myself away be as natural and unapologetic as I want and I’m beyond living for August!
- I’m tired, drained, overwhelmed, and still have to get anther job. I’m actually stoked because I could be in restaurants soon and I LOVE waiting tables, meeting people, money for making peoples experience by simply loving on them! I applied and am going to go in for an interview on tomorrow or Monday and hopefully walk out with a job. BJ’s would be a dream to work at! Pazookies, Booze, and Great Food!!!
- My emotional, mental, spiritual state is shaky. But I’m surviving. I’m no longer thriving or anything extravagant or even average. I’m holding on for dear life until I reach….September. September will be the beginning of rest season for me. Breathing, healing, and all will happen then. I am holding on for dear life. I’ve believed a ton of lies in the last 14 months. Things I thought were okay are not. Things I thought I was growing in were actually being torn apart. I have been flipped upside down and rumbled to the core. And I am being changed…for the better, but nor easily. And it sucks to be struggling for life and not even know much truth to combat the attacks and lies. I just getting beaten down. I, in my human sinful, unworthy and unlovable form, have been beaten. God in me is the only thing keeping me moving. And than GOD that’s more than I’ll ever need to be okay.