Wednesday, October 11, 2017.
Monday was an excruciatingly painful day. I woke up without a deposit for last weeks’ work (actually, I woke up to a – $84.27), when I drove to work I realized I only had 30 miles to empty and no money for gas, and at 10:23 am my car died as I was leaving for my class meeting. Monday was tough to say the least. Monday was a holiday, a bank holiday so my paycheck was not coming to my account nor was there a way to expedite the transactions because banks were closed and customer services hands were tied; no money coming any time soon. I couldn’t get to my class meeting because I had no money to gas my car, nor did I have a car anymore. I did not know how I was going to get home, let alone back to work or class or my other job. I had my car towed to a Toyota service care where they graciously provide rental cars for cars in service for free (praise!). Now I could get to work, home, class, and meetings as planned. However, I did not know what was wrong with my car and wouldn’t know until they called, nor did I know how much I would have to pay. It is Wednesday, I still don’t have my car, nor have they moved it from where the tow truck dropped it off, nor have they diagnosed or know what is wrong with it. I got paid Tuesday (praise #2!) which means I now have money but the company says it might be eight hundred- sixty dollars…I only have six hundred, two hundred of it is a love loan from friends [who are too good to me]!
Through all of this week’s adventures, this morning was the first time I talked TO God about these events and surrendered to His power and provision. This week has been a struggle. Last week, I got hit with a $250 tax levy from Louisiana, they seized $250 of my accounts to pay my debt from 2012! The week prior to that, I found out that as a graduate student you actually do have a limit on how much you can take out; whereas I thought I was getting a refund of 6K, I owed money (granted $2, but still). I was planning on paying my rent with that so I didn’t have to work as much during the school year so I could focus on my studies for once. NOPE! I also told my roommate I was paying rent for the month for both of us because the past 6-15 months of our lives have been a huge wake-up call producing is share of Trauma which we have not had time or resources to deal with because “#adulting”. Yet, God’s sovereign and pulled me through again getting me a second loan which allowed me to pay rent for the month and pay a debt to my family and breathe.
None of this is to evoke pity or charity, that is actually the exact opposite (unless you now a mechanic or fix cars). The point of this 3-week struggle symphony I am playing is to point to the director. For the last three weeks, God has carried me through and too some massive (as a growing adult) events that I have had to learn from. In each of these events, I have had to swallow my human “I can do this by myself” pride and admit that I am weak and need help, cannot do this life thing by myself, and have a community who WANTS to support me through this, not just bail me out or fix it, but walk alongside me in these times.
God has been consistently bringing me to situations that are seemingly massive, inescapable, and detrimental, yet each time He waits for me to realize that I am not trapped, stuck, or bad. In mistakes, I make and places I find myself in with no visible exit, He waits for me to realize that I am good, I am surrounded, and He is there extending His hands to me and has been the whole time. Now if you ask me how much I believe this in the moment of life exploding, I could not tell you anything but problems. In the end, I get the opportunity to look back and say WOW God! For some reason, I forget that He is God and I am Carrington (child/ friend/ creation), and that my entire being is meant to be in communion with God and when it is not, I am not good. I learn these notions in class, but practically, I have never crossed the line into personal life where I believe these things for myself.
In Bible, we discuss the authority of scripture and type of text the bible is, Theo-Ethics we discuss creation and God, yet for as I in the daily life of Carrington WiIson applying the learnings of classes to my own life it does not happen. The main way I connect my life to the class learnings is how I apply it to relationships with other people and distance myself so that I am not too subjective or clouded. But I a m not sure God is wanting that to be the case as I reflect and realize, Carrington is a creation of God and meant to commune constantly with Him too. In communion there is healing, which is what God is doing ever so graciously. The scars of transitioning, adjusting, and growing mean that I have to be close enough so the Healer can heal, and I have not been.
Why can we not see healing until we are healed?