I realized Sunday that I am sitting in tension that confronts my worth that directly opposes what I’m learning about myself and God, let’s call it “Week 4 of Acknowledging trials with God.”
Over the last few weeks I have come across a few old friends (guys) whom had a special place in my heart as my husband to be. Though these are old friends and acquaintances, a specific place in my heart has been affected. This will seem trivial to the married, involved, or even those “deep in their faith to not be shaken” but this is a point that is close to my heart because it directly affects my theological beliefs and understanding of creation, redemption, and ministry to those in the secular world whose truths can be obscured by social constructs. As well, it is a struggle in the conventional theology that “love comes from God and that should be enough” and “being created for and by intentional intimate community (UNITY)” is one of our purpose as believers, to live within and form communities.
In short, the tension comes from this ideology of creation and love. Community and intimacy that is not being met in my life is manifesting itself opposite of my beliefs. The question I am posing on myself is, ” if creation, human beings, were created in the Love of God and desire for community, what does singleness mean if it deprives an aspect of community, relationship, and eternal bond? As well, if love is
In Theology and Ethics, we are discussing redemption and defining theology. We have defined theology from the Christian standpoint as theology being “words about and of God as seen through the Son Jesus of Nazareth.” Therefore, looking at the object of theology (Jesus), and the subject of theology(God), and the empowerment of theology (the Holy Spirit); I am sitting in tension of Bonhoeffer’s ideology that “Our calling to be understood w/in bond of love” and God being “God loves the work and will uphold creation.”
How am I to understand and contextualize these notions of relationship and marriage as creation to the Creator yet having no bond of love in the present form to example or practice? I do not mean at all to say that I am not feeling physically loved therefore I am not loved or that I can only feel God’s love through romantic relationship. I am involved in this relationship WITH GOD that compels me to vulnerability, surrender, compromise, and deeper understanding of love (God graciously gives to me and I respond in giving back).
I am a practical person which is why I believe the described trials of the last few weeks have become so impactful because I am practically seeing the lessons as ways that God is revealing himself to me, such as the ways we discussed in theology ethics in the Doctrine of Revelation. We spoke about the Holy Spirit as “God presently doing stuff” and I loved the simplicity and practicality of that. My tension is that I am seeing the Holy Spirit as God presently doing stuff in every aspect of my life EXCEPT the one that I feel hold me at arm’s length from Him because it is so important to me?