29

In less that 48 hours, I’ll turn 29.

I haven’t written in a while because life has been a mix of consistently busy and exciting, key word being consistent. While I’ve been enjoying every second of it, I am beginning to feel a little backed up and anxious reaching a milestone not having felt like I have been able to properly process the magnitude of each new thing since a few months ago. The last thing I wrote about was relationships and characters I’ve discovered since Frederick; I haven’t even reread that.

While that happened right on the cusp of one of the biggest life changes I’ve experienced since moving out here to Washington, it brought up some of the deepest feelings and concepts of life that I also don’t feel like I’ve had adequate space to process and accept the reality of those changes.

However, I’m less than 48 hours away from entering the last year of my twenties; the marker of the grace ending for my youthfulness. 29 is like a final hoorah before shit hits the fan and everything really changes. Although, the reality is that not a lot will change because I am already doing the big things I suspect will hit the fan. Those “big changes” I was expecting are already things I’m living into and doing. I’m in my career field, the corporate working world that jolts you into adulthood; directness, responsibility, and accountability. I have moved away from home, forged my way, and now am living and expensing most of my own bills. Every month, they come for them; and every day, I’m working like hell to make sure I can not only afford them, but also have a backup plan. I am dating and building relationships, romantic, sexual, and deep adult friendships that get me through the day to day and bring joy when we have moments to connect. I already am an adult, yet the number on the calendar of my life feels like it should mark something big and slightly different than it does. It’s just a number but it means so much.

I wonder what me who moved here 6.5 years ago would say if she were sitting in our apartment looking around drinking wine. I think she would be surprised but also determined to reach this for herself. Maybe she wouldn’t know what to do with it. Maybe she’d be shocked or saddened by the beauty of it all, realizing she wasn’t dreaming big enough, she deserves this, she will work to get it, she is worth and capable of such things. Hell, me at 25 couldn’t and I was at least in school in what I thought was my calling/ vocation. Turns out, it wasn’t, but still.

By 29, Carrie’s late twenties, I imagined I’d be married living in a rental with a working husband; myself on maternity leave and deep in the throws of early motherhood. I thought I would be the black woman in majority white relationships of other moms and wives, talking about childcare stuff. Another black momma talking to my black girl magic group about raising black kids and housewives or atlanta.

In my younger years, I had no clue what I wanted but I clearly knew what was expected of me and what I needed to do to be “right/good”: I needed a job in the medical/service field as a physical therapist/ nurse/ therapist/ teacher, a husband, and not to be living with my parents. Before moving to Seattle, my biggest living dreams were family life in Texas or Georgia. And for most of my life, I pursued guys and work that could get me there.

When I moved, dreams and expectations were adjusted according to what I was doing and who I was around. The city-life grind was closer once I started nannying. The Pelly’s were incredible and helped me grow tremendously. Not just in childcare, responsibility, and management, but as a person. Though I didn’t start therapy until years later, I learned a lot about the kind of parent I wanted to be/ would’ve been/ and needed. The lessons I gained as a nanny where impactful because I was not only able to learn from various parenting styles but also acknowledge some of the lessons I internalized and had been parenting myself with due to unhealed trauma.

Graduating from Nanny to Youth Minister/ Speaker, I learned that I could do so much more than what I had been limiting myself to. I only wanted to be a Youth Minister because of fear and expectations; I didn’t think women could lead anything other women and kids. Hell, that’s why I went to grad-school, because of the conversation with Tom Eaker, “there’s nowhere in the bible that says that you can’t.” Through my first career journey in my mid-twenties, I discovered some helpful growth points, what I was good at, and began to dream bigger about my life and potential. Especially because I had no prospects of a husband and I realized I didn’t need one to go where I truly wanted to go.

I had a new destination in mind that I couldn’t have dreamed about before. This also has unlocked a new fear but we’ll get to that in a few. The new destination, the new goal was freedom. I remember in therapy in 2020, near my 26th birthday, Madison and I talking my understanding of freedom, my life; expectations, desires, and wants. Then we began working towards them, creating a plan, so we could move towards that freedom goal.

Fall 2020 – 2021 was a journey! But by onset fall 2021, I had accomplished many steps in the plan we set out and I was beginning my new journey towards freedom, strength, and security in myself. A year of adjusting to the new reality of who I was becoming, who I wanted to be, chasing my wants and needs.

Then summer 2022 happened and we didn’t exactly write out this step of the plan but I can now see, this is what the real end goal was. The goal was to be living in a beautiful apartment in the city, having a job that I am proud of and have potential to grow into a leader and corporate bad-bitch, deep meaningful friendships where I look forward to sharing my life (even with my avoidant/ anxiously attached self); friendships that inspire and challenge me whether we see each other monthly or quarterly, a healthy and fun connection with my family that drive me and whom I can seek solace from the hardships of adulthood we now share, and a dating life with sex on my terms/ self-consent.

This is my life, this is 29 and I had no idea this is where I’d actually be.  Here, worried about the current recession an economic climate, pursuing professional growth, working a part-time for fun and security, always planning and thinking 2-12 steps ahead but trying to stay in the sweet spot of now for 5 seconds. Constantly anxious and looking forward to limited to no plan, dinner parties, and mid-morning/early afternoon brunches. Nights in on the couch watching whatever show I want and drinking a bottle of wine at a time. Taking long candle-lit baths and video-chatting my girls about mercury being in retrograde, texting guys about dates and cuddle-styles. This is my life.

Reflecting on 28 years of life and growth as we are staring down the barrel of 29 not knowing exactly what is behind that little dark circle shakes me. It’s not a gun, but it feels just as dangerous and life-threatening. It’s not a rollercoaster drop but my stomach is still in knots and I’m gripping onto the rails not knowing the next move. It’s not a doorway to a surprise party with friends and family waiting to congratulate me on making it to some significant milestone. It’s not a telescope showing me the answer to life and beautiful galaxy’s beyond my everyday vision.

And yet is every one of those things and more.

29 is the life I’ve seen in movies with it’s own  complex themes but never one I imagined I’d participate in. I told Sam today, I’m Taraji P Henson in “think like a man”, I’m Gabrielle Union in “being Mary Jane”, I’m Issa Rae & Molly (and Kelly) in “Insecure.” I’m a complex creature now. I never imagined being so multi-dimensional and dynamic. It’s beautiful and terrifying because when you don’t plan, dream, or have expectations past your current reality – anything and everything is up for grabs. Yet, I still feel okay most times. I feel capable and taken care of.

My angst is high because I also feel vulnerable and susceptible to others interpretation of me. A shriving single black woman with a brain and ambition. I’ve learned to realize how weighted those things are individually but collectively, it’s supposed to be the exact thing to build a society and structures against.

Media has portrayed this character as backstabbing, masculine, and un-marriable/ unlovable, leavable – something to avoid. Its celebrated in few cases and ignored/ avoided/ cast over in others. Taraji P, Gabrielle, Issa, Molly, Sinaa Lathan (Something New), Angela, and now Carrington. I’m terrified because my image is everything to me. My reputation is a make or break thing in this world. I’m susceptible and vulnerable in a way I can’t control. That’s scary but that’s the stage of life I’m in. The con of independence is that in a world that is built directly against your thriving, the very thing you desire is the very thing structures are built on.

Luckily/ Gratefully, I can also see hope because even having media representation lets me know it is possible and is happening. It’s hard and will continue to get harder the more I go on this journey but I haven’t even fully reached the level of “Exhale” that I am striving for. Which means it’s going to get harder. Better, but harder. I wish those thing were not synonymous where I want to go but there is nothing else for them to be in this day and age.

For clarification to the nobody reading this but me and maybe my therapist and blogpost, I only want to go to security, not total world domination. I only want to make enough money that I don’t have to work multiple jobs while still living in fear 2 of 4 weeks a month because of financial scarcity. I only want to have good friendships and connections that I have time to enjoy. I only want to go to the gym and have energy to achieve my fitness/health goals. I only wanna eat out/ order food/ cook a good meal and not worry about what I’ll have to give up days later. I only wanna know love; given and received, with reckless abandon. I only want to travel every once in a while to different cities for work or fun. I only want to live fully like I see some of my counterparts. Hell, I want what I see my brother having. I want what is possible and deserving of many human beings I know- to live life fully and presently.

My only goal is to maintain and grow. Yet, my graduate school knowledge and adulthood lenses have revealed that it will not be easy. It’s only possible if you’re willing to sacrifice and work. To that I say, Hell, what do you think I’ve been doing LOL.

I think I’m ready for 29 and the great beyond of adulthood because I am not only equipped with emotional mental, and professional tools; I also have seen myself set out to accomplish something I had no vision for or didn’t realize the fullness of what I was asking for.

I think 29 will be a continuation of 28 and the years to come. I think it’ll be “29: the beginning of a continuation”